How Not to Pick Up Women: Lesson 1

I had just picked up my lunch and was heading back to my office when I passed a man standing outside Starbucks. He asked me for a cigarette, and I reached into my purse to get one. He stopped me, saying, "No, I want that one." Meaning the one I was currently smoking. Puzzled, I handed it to him. By way of explanation, he said, "I want to taste your lips."

Guys...don't be creepy. That line wouldn't have even worked if I was drunk.

Thank You, Department of Homeland Security!

I was looking out my sister's living room window at the lovely view of the World Trade Center site, and sitting atop some barricades, there is a giant stuffed dog. I named him Rudy, after our illustrious former mayor. I feel safer knowing that Rudy is out there, 24/7, protecting us from terrorists.

1986...A Good Year

I don't fancy myself a cougar, but this kid's hot, no?

DENIED!

I just discovered The Suze Orman Show on CNBC. Literally, like 10 minutes ago. There's a segment called "Can I Afford It?" where people call in, tell her how much money they make, how much they have saved, and any debt or loans they have, and she decides whether or not they're allowed to buy something they want. She's not very nice to some of the people, which is why I didn't lose interest immediately.

I want to call in, tell her my paltry salary, shock her with those college loans I haven't even started paying off, and watch her head explode when I tell her I don't even have a savings account. Then I'm going to ask her if I can go see a movie. I'm interested to hear her response.

A Humble Plea

Please don't give me syphilis; I'm allergic to penicillin.




Wow. That's my first post in 2008, and it's about an STD. I'm classy.